what makes a man?

That’s my sharps container. My old pill bottle. It’s got four needles in it because I just finished my second shot of T. Today it only took me about 30 minutes instead of over an hour a few weeks ago, but I’m not sure if that was a good thing. 

I tried my left leg first but then I quickly realized I couldn’t get a good angle so I sanitized my right leg and went from there. I got the needle in and started to push down to my muscle. Once I got it in the muscle, I suddenly became overwhelmed with the need to pass out/vomit. I hadn’t began to inject yet, so I took a few breaths and bit my lip and tried to draw back on the plunger. I was quickly becoming more and more faint, so I decided not to fight the plunger today and just began injecting. Deteriorating quicker still, I started to inject a little bit faster. Once the needle was out it hit me like a brick wall. I could feel the colour wash out of my face, my ears started ringing, I broke into a cold sweat, and the darkness was closing in. I slid out of my chair onto the floor and put my legs above my body on the chair for about ten minutes. The need to pass out subsided, thankfully, and I began to massage my injection site to work in the medicine and stayed laying down. 

After about fifteen minutes I made it back into my chair and now, about five minutes after that, I feel fine.

I really hope my next shot does not happen that way. That was borderline scary - especially being at home alone, let alone having a full syringe and needle hanging out of my leg when I needed to pass out. 

A few people have said that I look more “masculine” lately, but of course I didn’t believe them because I didn’t see it. But today when I was at the gym and working with the free weights in front of the mirror I saw it. I had to stop and just stare for a second. I really looked like a man. This realization came with a wave of two emotions: the first was pure excitement and happiness, and the second was sadness that had the tshirt not been on my skin I would not have felt as happy. 

So when I got out of the shower I took a picture of myself. I don’t usually do this sort of thing, so I felt quite awkward. 

I decided that I’m going to get this as a tattoo. It came to me in an epiphany while watching NYInk yesterday. I’m going to replace the words with “What makes a man?” and “I think I might know…”

Kylee and I talked about getting trans-related tattoos. We talked about getting phoenixes - which I really like what the phoenix symbolizes - but this seems like a better fit for me. City and Colour gets me through a lot of dark shit in my life, he always knows what to say to put my feelings into words. I also went to this concert last year and it was life changing. The swallow was originally tattooed on sailors to symbolize them sailing 5,000 nautical miles, and then it came to represent freedom, hope, love, and loyalty. I like the idea of this tattoo symbolizing my long journey and my newfound freedom. Hopefully I’ll get this right away post-op. 

Yesterday I went to the doctor’s to get my first shot of T. The vial in the picture was my entire dosage. I got my prescription filled at Walgreens and it’s $27 per 1mL, and my prescription is 1mL every two weeks. So I shopped around and Walgreens carries the same RX for $23, so I’ll be saving about $30 a month and won’t have to apply cream every day. The only down side is that the doctor didn’t teach me how to inject myself, because she said the “best place for this shot” is in my ass. I didn’t fight her on it, she really went out of her way for me to get these injections. So I’m going to ask around for some help, even though both of my parents are nurses - I feel really uncomfortable asking them to inject me, unless it’s a last resort. I would like to learn though, so if you’re reading this and you want to teach me to inject myself, hit me up!!! 

My doctor’s visit also included my labs getting redone, to check my levels BEFORE the shots and to track my changes throughout the course of the injections. And then in between the labs and the T, I got my Lupron shot. 

I felt a little woozy after the T. I hadn’t eaten all morning - due to the labs - and when she was injecting me with the T I felt a sudden overwhelming feeling of dizziness. I drank some water and pushed it aside and tried to leave the office where I promptly passed out in the waiting room on my way out. OOPS. 

Big week coming up. Name change on the 7th along with making money. I’d also like to start hitting the gym more because I think these injections will help me sculpt my body better than the cream did. 

Sometimes I forget I am the way I am. 

It’s days such as those that really frustrate me.

I got a few papers in the mail today. The first one just had a small section in the corner that explains that I’m going from one name to another, who my judge is, when my hearing is, my address & cell phone number, and that I’ve requested a new birth certificate. I’m assuming, judging by its size, that this is what will go in the “legal news” paper. It seems like an invasion of privacy, with my address and birth certificate crap on there, but then again, I’m not exactly sure who gets “legal news” and actually reads it. 

The second paper is an affidavit of publication, signed by an employer of the publisher of the Legal News, and a notary public. It also had the same information as the first page in the left hand corner. It also says that this has already been published in the Legal News as of February 9th. 

I decided to switch it up when I shaved today and used a shave brush. It was awesome.