—
HOLY SHIT IS THIS REALLY FUCKING HAPPENING RIGHT NOW PLEASE SOMEBODY PINCH ME. But seriously, I think I’ll throw in a $5 tip to make it $6,000. Like really? Five dollars short?
After all is said and done, I’ll be spending around $6,500 for travel & post-surgical expenses. Money is still a slight problem right now, but my mom did mention that she is still going to drain the account because she doesn’t want the name change to “mess up” the taxes that have already been done for the year and whatnot. Now that the surgery is final, I’m starting to sweat bullets about the money. I hope she pulls through on her word.
In other news, I COULDN’T BE MORE FUCKING EXCITED!!! LAST SUMMER IN THIS DUMB BINDER! FIRE UP!!
I’m still waiting on the “okay to proceed” from Dr. Medalie. Part of me is so insanely scared of a rejection. I’m truly terrified that he will say that I’m not a good candidate or there’s something wrong with me that he won’t perform the surgery on me. I really do not know what I would do if that was the case. I am so fortunate to have gotten this far before I even turned 24, and I don’t know what would happen if I couldn’t get top surgery. I’m so ready for this. Right after I sent the email it started to sink in - I became scared of the actual surgery, but now I’m ready.
Perhaps I’m being typical Ryan and overreacting and over thinking all of this bullshit but after not hearing from neither the doctor nor his secretary in a few days, I’m starting to chomp on my nails a little more than usual.
Keep me in your thoughts/well wishes/prayers/anything?
I just sent in my information to Dr. Medalie’s secretary about finalizing my surgery date. He required the patient information (medical history) form, a letter from my therapist, and pictures to verify which surgery he would be performing. I asked him if he would perform a double incision, who knows if he will take my on preference into account. I also asked if he would allow me to not return for a follow up appointment and instead allow me to see my general practitioner for my surgery follow up. I think it’ll save me a lot of money to do it that way, otherwise I’ll be driving down to Cleveland within a week of leaving, and to stay in a hotel in Cleveland isn’t justifiable.
Time to start looking at hotels. Holy shit this is really happening.
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Dr. Medalie’s secretary’s email to me.
All it took was one email… wow. I guess I’ll have to talk to my parents now.
Video update - 15 months on T. Tumblr picks the best thumbnails for the video screen.
Every day for the past four weeks Stephanie has been all I can think about. She’s the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning, the last thing I think about before I go to sleep at night, and all day in between. Some hours are harder than others. Some hours I want to cry, despite the fact that I can’t, other hours I hear a song or smell something and I smile because it reminds me of her.
I accepted my first high school job on Tuesday and was apprehensive - I had only worked with middle schoolers since I became a “real teacher” without any host teachers in the room, and I was worried that because I had gotten so used to middle school that the high schoolers would walk all over me or not pay attention to me. I taught a symphony orchestra and a concert orchestra and had the time of my life. It was like someone came along with a shot full of life and happiness and gave it to me right in the heart. I couldn’t stop smiling all day, the students and I had a great time. “You’re the best teacher we’ve ever had!” “You’re better than our regular teacher!” “When do you get to come back?!” I even had students come and visit me at the end of the day and wouldn’t let me leave.
On the drive home I suddenly thought of this quote by Lady Gaga. It came out of nowhere and I knew the entire thing, and something clicked. It was an “Ah-Hah!” moment where I suddenly realized that teaching filled the hole in my heart. I know it won’t fill it completely, my love for my career and my love that I reserve for the person I am with are two separate things, but this just made sense.
So needless to say, I typed up the quote and put it in my bathroom on the mirror, on my wall by my bed and above my desk. It makes me feel better each time I look at it.
This song is so fucking addicting. Add it to the list of them that describes my emotions better than I can right now.
But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing
I don’t even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough
I signed up to do the Warrior Dash (video) and tomorrow I’m signing up for the Color Run in Ann Arbor where you get blasted with color over a 5K course! Boom!
IT’S GONNA BE A GREAT SUMMER!
FUCKING FUCK I MISS STEPHANIE SO FUCKING MUCH SOME DAYS I JUST CAN’T FUCKING STAND IT. HER LOVE HER SUPPORT HER SMILE HER WARMTH HER LAUGHTER HER TEARS HER ANGER HER TOUCH. I FUCKING MISS IT ALL I’M SO SICK OF THIS EMPTY BED EMPTY HEART EVERY SINGLE FUCKING NIGHT. FUCKING SHIT SERIOUSLY GODDAMN.
Now I feel better.
Maybe I Need You - Andrea Gibson
The winter I told you I think icicles are magic
you stole an enormous icicle from a neighbors shingle
and gave it to me as a gift
I kept it in my freezer for seven months
until the day I hurt my foot
I needed something to reduce the swelling
love isn’t always magic
sometimes its just melting
or its black and blue
where it hurts the most
last night I saw your ghost
pedaling a bicycle with a basket
towards a moon as full as my heavy head
and i wanted nothing more than to be sitting in that basket
like ET with my glowing heart glowing right through my chest
and my glowing finger pointing in the direction of our home
two years ago I said I never want to write our break up poem
you built me a time capsule full of big league chew
and promised to never burst my bubble
I loved you from our first date at the batting cages
when I missed 23 balls in a row
and you looked at me
like I was a home run in the ninth inning of the world series
now every time I hear the word love I think going going
the first week you were gone
I kept seeing your hand wave goodbye
like a windshield wiper in a flooding car
and the last real moment I believed the hurricane would let me out alive
yesterday i carved your name into the surface of an ice cube
then held it against my heart til it melted into my aching pores
today i cried so hard the neighbors knocked on my door
and asked if I wanted to borrow some sugar
I told them I left my sweet tooth in your belly button
love isn’t always magic
but if I offered my life to the magician
if I told her to cut me in half
so tonight I could come to you whole
and ask for you back
would you listen
for this dark alley love song
for the winter we heated our home from the steam off our own bodies
I wrote too many poems in a language I did not yet know how to speak
But I know now it doesn’t matter how well I say grace
if I am sitting at a table where I am offering no bread to eat
So this is my wheat field
you can have every acre love
this is my garden song
this is my fist fight
with that bitter frost
tonight I begged another stage light to become that back alley street lamp that we danced beneath
the night your warm mouth fell on my timid cheek
as i sang maybe i need you
off key
but in tune
maybe i need you the way that big moon needs that open sea
maybe i didn’t even know i was here til i saw you holding me
give me one room to come home to
give me the palm of your hand
every strand of my hair is a kite string
and I have been blue in the face with your sky
crying a flood over iowa so you mother will wake to venice
lover I smashed my glass slipper to build a stained glass window for every wall inside my chest
now my heart is a pressed flower and a tattered bible
it is the one verse you can trust
so I’m putting all of my words in the collection plate
I am setting the table with bread and grace
my knees are bent
like the corner of a page
I am saving your place
I’m going back to the retail flower shop this summer - 5th year, woof - and I came out to them as a part of my terms of coming back. It went over really well, actually. I stopped by yesterday to pick up my new uniform and my manager was talking to me in the office and mentioned that they had a managers meeting with the head of human resources about “prepping” for my return. She mentioned that they were briefed on “my situation” and how it is handled appropriately in the workplace. My manager also said that one of the other managers - known for being a complete and TOTAL ASSHOLE to everyone, who will go out of his way to make your life a LIVING HELL actually stood up for me during the meeting. He said that if any of the managers should hear anyone bad mouthing me that they need to be written up and reported directly to him so he can resolve the situation. He was my biggest worry about going back - well the bathrooms too - but he’s actually fighting for me in my corner. Feels great.
Anyway, that being said, I was supposed to start this month 5-close Monday through Fridays and only three days a week. After that, we’ll see where things take me. I didn’t anticipate working before June, so I decided that all of the money I get from this second job will go straight into my top surgery fund. So far, I’ve got 2 of the 6 grand I need, and it’s all happened in the last month. So things are looking up. I’m hoping to get top surgery done in August, or else I might have to wait until Christmas time, but that’s only if I get this long term subbing job I’m interviewing for next week.
Things are looking up!
So I don’t know what has gotten into me lately, but I’ve made a bucket list of all the things I want to do while I’m still “young.” The first thing that I put on the list was “learn how to ride a motorcycle/get my endorsement on my license.” But here’s the problem: I don’t know anyone who knows how to ride a motorcycle so I need to take the “basic driver” class. The confusion I’m having is there’s a class to learn to ride at my local Harley-Davidson dealerships that teach you how to ride and will give you a certificate to waive the driving test at the Secretary of State, but it’s $325 for the class. The secretary of state also offers a “beginner riders” course for $25, that also waives the driving test. What the hell is the difference??? Can anyone help a brother out here?
That’s my sharps container. My old pill bottle. It’s got four needles in it because I just finished my second shot of T. Today it only took me about 30 minutes instead of over an hour a few weeks ago, but I’m not sure if that was a good thing.
I tried my left leg first but then I quickly realized I couldn’t get a good angle so I sanitized my right leg and went from there. I got the needle in and started to push down to my muscle. Once I got it in the muscle, I suddenly became overwhelmed with the need to pass out/vomit. I hadn’t began to inject yet, so I took a few breaths and bit my lip and tried to draw back on the plunger. I was quickly becoming more and more faint, so I decided not to fight the plunger today and just began injecting. Deteriorating quicker still, I started to inject a little bit faster. Once the needle was out it hit me like a brick wall. I could feel the colour wash out of my face, my ears started ringing, I broke into a cold sweat, and the darkness was closing in. I slid out of my chair onto the floor and put my legs above my body on the chair for about ten minutes. The need to pass out subsided, thankfully, and I began to massage my injection site to work in the medicine and stayed laying down.
After about fifteen minutes I made it back into my chair and now, about five minutes after that, I feel fine.
I really hope my next shot does not happen that way. That was borderline scary - especially being at home alone, let alone having a full syringe and needle hanging out of my leg when I needed to pass out.
ryan james.
male. 23.
live in america's high five.
music. photography. tattoos.
When the Central Michigan Chippewas win, we invite the MVP of the game to...
